Tina Fey’s A Mother’s Prayer For Her Child

I just discovered the website Pinterest and I L-O-V-E love it. I came across this hilarious and sweet little ditty from Tina Fey that I thought I’d share. I have in no way verified that this is, in fact, written by Tina Fey but regardless, enjoy.

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First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

I’m busy creating a human being from scratch. Subtitle: What are YOU doing?

So as it turns out, I’m quite a fertile myrtle. I’m pregnant- 12 weeks this past Monday. And here I was thinking that because I was 34 it would take a while! 

So here’s the answer to the top two most common questions I am asked almost daily: #1 No, I do not have morning sickness (thank goodness!!!) and #2 We dont’ find out the sex of the baby until some time next month and YES, I definitely want to know ahead of time. Life is full of surprises and I don’t need any extras right now! As my co-worker pointed out, it will be just as “surprising” when I find out next month- it’ll just be sooner and that whole sooner situation is just what an impatient planner like myself needs. That and maybe some more rainbow Twizzlers or cheetos…

In the meanwhile, here is a picture of the little tyke giving everyone a wave.

Check out the honker on this kid already! Our baby might be part bird 🙂 For those of you who aren't pros at ultrasound photos, the head is on the right and the arm and hand are there in the middle.

Homemaking at it’s finest! A Cheese and Pasta weekend.

After a month and a half, I finally figured out that Explorer was the culprit in why I couldn’t post multiple photos. So here is a post originally written September 19th about my first cheese-making experience.
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This weekend I am happy to say that I finally made my own ricotta cheese! Sadly, it turns out that, apart from Kyle and I, our other three family members are totally NOT impressed. Even though Mason, my 6 year-old step-son assisted in the purchasing of cheese-making necessities, he could not be swayed. Admittedly, ricotta is pretty weird looking and certainly seems as though it is just milk that has seen better days but even after my fervrent reassurance, I had no takers. And honestly, I don’t even know if Kyle really liked it because, like most guys, he’ll eat nearly anything and in all liklihood he probably possesses a self-preservation instinct that clearly steers him away from making any comments that might deter my cooking.

Even with the lack luster support, I was giddy with anticipation when I made my way to Curds and Wine on Clairemont Mesa Blvd. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had a hankering to make some cheese ever since I read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver but had never taken a step beyond a few listless google searches. Well, with my cheese class at Venissimo under my belt and some recommendations for Curds and Wine, I confidently charged into the world of cheesemaking.

I will say that for anyone who has ever made cheese, you know that ricotta is the easiest thing to make and doesn’t even require rennet but hey- don’t pee on my parade! So in the spirit of sharing, I photo-documented my ricotta experience below.

And it goes a little something like this…HIT IT

The ingredients and supplies needed for the ricotta. Please note: the vodka to the left there is really ony to be used when your cheese-making attempt has failed. You use that to mix yourself a nice martini and comfort yourself over the waste of a gallon of milk.

After dumping your milk (non-ultra-pasteurized only), buttermilk and cup of heavy cream into a large stockpot, you being heating. At about 140 degrees, you'll see things start to curd up as in the picture above. And so the excitement begins!

You use your trusty cooking thermometer to get the heat to about 190 to 200 degrees- just before boiling. You're really going to see some good curd action going on at this point as the acid from the buttermilk really starts to interact with the milk. At this point, you turn the heat off and wait about 15-20 minutes. More curds are formed during this time and you do not want to stir it.

Next, you take a slotted spoon and scoop out the curds into a cheese cloth-lined collander with a bowl under it. This will let all of the extra whey drain out. Let it drain for about 30 minutes.

The liquid that you see is the whey. I conjured all my Little Miss Muffet knowledge to make this happen. (Did I use that joke already?)

The final product! A delicious, extra rich ricotta that I made all by myself.

Some might say, “Wow, I made ricotta this weekend, time to chill out.” Not this crazed homemaker (heavy on the crazed and light on the homemaking)! I thought, hey- let’s kick it up a notch. Let’s bust out some homemade pasta with my new pasta attachment for my Kitchen Aid. “What?!? ” You say. “Who has the time?” And to that I say… you’re SO right. This crap is time consuming! But I digress, this is where I am supposed to encourage everyone to make their own pasta, cheese and grow all your own veggies. The truth of the matter is that making your own stuff can be expensive and super time-consuming but if you enjoy it, by all means, go nuts. I, personally, consider these sorts of things to be weekend type projects to be broken out every once in a while only- not a lifestyle. If we all had nothing but time to grow and make our own food then sure but last time I checked Contadina makes a lovely fettucini that is just a few short aisles over from the ricotta so, for most of us, Ralph’s or Albertson’s does a stellar job. Here’s one more pic of the pasta-making experience.

After making some basic dough, you feed the sheets through the pasta cutter attachement for your Kitchen Aid and voila! your very own fettucini. It sounds boring but I was literally shreeking with excitement when those first pieces came out. I made Kyle and Mason come and watch me do it so that they could feign excitement for me.